Failure

Okay. Breathe. Calm down. It's not the end of the world.

But the sensation is so new to me that I can't help feeling depressed, as if there isn't any chance anymore for me to recover. A day has already passed, but still I can't move on and try to forget about it. Pray tell, what am I supposed to do to feel better?

Relax. Okay.

I failed an exam. Sure, I already failed one before, but it was only a GE subject; and somehow, a miracle happened and I managed to get a flat uno when the sem ended. But this time, it's a different story. Suffice it to say that this is probably the first time that this has ever happened to me.

I know I studied. I spent hours in the library skimming through the thick hardbound book until my back ached, until I had grown sleepy. However, I do know one thing as well - I kind of crammed for two days or so, which I hardly did anymore ever since I reached college. And heck, chemistry really isn't the type of subject that someone like me should cram. I have absolutely zero idea about chemistry when I entered UP Diliman as a physics major. Stupid, stupid me. Not that I'm putting the blame to someone else, but I know too that the org application as affected this sudden turn of events. 

The score in my first exam was average, and that is not making me confident at all. When the sem started, I was aiming for at least a dos, but now that goal seems too far-fetched. 

To make things worse, it's our second long examination in physics a while ago, and I had quite a lot of careless mistakes it's beginning to stress me out. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not really molded to be a scientist. What a waste of effort, time, and money.I really felt like dropping out of college yesterday. Exaggerated, I know. But if you never failed an exam you wouldn't know the feeling.

However, if there is one positive thing that emerged out of this problem, it's that I suddenly came to value my studies even more. The "me" at the beginning of the semester was returning, back then majority of the time I would study nightly for the lesson that day. Admittedly, that habit has wholly vanished when 2014 came - I'd go to Chem 16 class without having studied at all, despite the fact that we have a DG (quiz) that day. I never understood anything about the lessons until I started studying for the exam. I know it's my fault. For one thing, I really never listened to the lecture class and would end up napping or doodling or writing.

Lesson learned. 

A while ago, the change in me has come. For the first time ever, I reviewed the previous lecture, so I would come prepared to class tomorrow. In fact, I might as well study in advance.

P.S. Good thing the standing in Math 54 came out and it gave me a burst of hope. My standing is 1.00. And the most ironic thing is that, I rarely study for this subject. It's time to change that, though, before I regret in the end.

Experiment 11: Unknown Analysis

This day has been awesome. No, in fact, this whole week had been a blast. Despite all my awkwardness and everything, I can say that I enjoyed these past few days because, well, it was amazing. I would surely like to rattle off about how this week went, but due to time constraints, I'll just be sharing about one relevant thing that transpired today - the unknown analysis.

I have a Chem 16 class every Wednesdays and Fridays at 7 AM. Last night I went home by 10 PM from the tambayan. I tried to finalize the assignment for chemistry and to be more productive, but I was so tired my eyes wouldn't stay open. I had no choice but to sleep. I awoke by half-past one (which was an hour late from the time I set in the alarm), did the assignment, prepared for the experiment, and slept at 4 AM. I set the alarm to 5:30 AM, but I was stunned when I awoke (after turning off the snooze numerous times), that it was already 6:30 AM, for goodness's sake. It was the first time that I had woken up that late. Good thing, I was able to leave the dormitory by 5 minutes to 7 AM. Our professor was a bit late, so I was safe. However, I was beginning to be very frantic by then. Today is Unknown Analysis day, and although I had prepared by scanning the manual and so, I was still terrified. I want to love chemistry, it's super cool, so much so that I initially planned to major in materials physics. But heck, it can be very difficult, and to someone who went to college with zero knowledge in the subject, it was even worse. I know I suck in this subject; good thing I passed the first exam with satisfactory results.

Okay. The experiment was a joke. After performing the cation test, I was able to limit my choices between zinc and calcium, since precipitate formed upon addition of NaOH. Upon performing the confirmatory test, formation of precipitate occurred again so I was certain I got Zinc. For the anion test, there was no visible reaction upon the addition of barium nitrate, so sulfate, phosphate, and carbonate were ruled out. After performing another test, it all went down to SCN and nitrate. God, I didn't want to perform the brown ring experiment. My solution looked weird; I mean, I didn't really achieve the colors that SCN or nitrate was supposed to have. However, I thought the solution looked peach (which it was supposed to be if it had SCN) and the toluene layer was colorless so I assumed thiocyanate was present. I approached my professor and was about to have my first guess...

...And he told me I got both guesses wrong.

I had never felt so inadequate in my life. I tried the elimination tests again for cation, and was able to rule out Ammonium. In the end, after several trials, I went to our professor and convinced him that there was zinc in my solution.

"Sir, precipitate formed upon addition of ammonia, so it's zinc. Precipitate also formed upon adding NaOH."

He surveyed my test tube and said, "Add some excess ammonia and observe whether the precipitate will dissolve."

It did. It must mean that there really is some zinc present. Fast forward, it turned out that there was some confusion involved. He said that he never told me zinc wasn't there. I replied that he said both of my guesses were wrong, so of course zinc was. Our professor admitted the existence of zinc and I felt so cheated since I repeated everything just to be sure.

The next problem would be the anion. If it weren't SCN, it had to be nitrate. I knew this, and yet I repeated the elimination and confirmatory tests because I didn't want to perform the brown ring experiment (the 18 M sulfuric acid sounded so menacing). But I was left with no choice so I performed it using my solution which already had the toluene layer, as was advised by my classmate. I was so ecstatic that the brown ring appeared, but in the end the process was wrong and I should have used a fresh solution. Sadly, upon doing so, nothing appeared.

I lamented this to our professor and he told me to repeat the experiment. Obviously, there really was nitrate on my solution. I just had to show him some proof. I repeated everything, to no avail. He must have pitied me because he said that there was indeed nitrate, but I was still lacking one more ion. I knew what it was all of a sudden, and I realized how cunningly our professor had chosen the other ion.

"Calcium," I said. He smiled and confirmed it. I was supposed to receive 15 points, but I only got 12. I'm not complaining.

Dreams and Inspirations

Due to the thoroughly stressing academics in my previous semester, I was not able to "fangirl" as often as I used to. For the first month, sure, I was able to read some manga, but I couldn't go on because I was too busy, trying to keep up with my demanding workload. However, I managed to be productive in terms of my literary side. Despite everything, I was able to read eight novels for the first semester (all of which are classics). I also had several realizations and epiphany, thanks to my GE class, English 11. Taking that subject up was one of the best things I could have done - it reminded me of the things I loved but I had neglected as years passed by. Thanks to that course, I was able to revive my passion in poetry. And it is with much pride that I shall tell you how enormously I have improved in writing that form of literature.

Since my first semester in UP Diliman was dedicated to that aspect of my life, I decided to focus this time on my "fangirling" tendencies. The flame inside me strengthened this Christmas, wherein I watched Japanese dramas and read manga. Before, I was utterly certain that I would take up Spanish this summer (because I really want to be able to read Marquez, or Neruda, or Fuentes, etc, in that language). Although Nihonggo was my first love, I was able to put it aside in my mind for a while because of the strong influence literature has imparted on me (I am a huge fan of Latin-American lit). But, as you might have guessed, that plan has changed. This summer, I will take up Japanese from the UP Department of Linguistics. In fact, it has been a massive motivation for me to study for physics during the vacation. 

Why?

Learning the Japanese language opens a lot of opportunities, that not need be said. Not only will it cater to my intense addiction to anime, manga, and Jdrama, it can be the way for me to pursue one of my dreams: to study in Japan. Whenever I would take a break from studying, I would visit the website of Tokyo University . . . And all of a sudden, I would feel very giddy. Of course, I doubt I will be studying to such a prestigious school, but goodness, as long as it's in Japan, I'm content. It could be an exchange student program (albeit I don't really think someone like me will be chosen), or perhaps my masters. To be able to fulfill this yume though, the first step is to learn the language. Every year, I will formally study Nihonggo until I have exhausted the extramural classes from the Department of Linguistics. I would practice by listening to Japanese music (which I already do), and by watching anime or drama. I really, really want to watch a series in Japanese dub! That would be amazing.

Aside from that, one thing to further my fangirling is to watch anime frequently, or to read manga. I have copied numerous series from my brother and I would really try to slip in some time to watch an episode or two before I sleep. Currently, I am watching Kuroko no Basuke; yes, I know, I'm such a failure for only watching it now, but I was completely behind being an otaku last year, as you are aware of. It's a very good thing to motivate me to study, because, at the end of the day, despite all the hardship and my effort, I know I will have something great to look forward to.

Ephemeral

I find it frightening the way time flies by so quickly. It was December last year when I christened this blog; back then I did not have exams to worry about, no formulas to memorize. Although I was thoroughly stressed out by the heavy paper works and journalism stuff, I still had time to read books and blog often. I would admit, I miss that sort of carefree lifestyle. But then again, I do not regret the decision that I have made, no matter how difficult it is, and no matter how demanding it can be.

In less than a week or so, classes will finally resume. I'm terrified; I do not think I'm prepared for my first exam ever in Physics here in UP Diliman. I was solving tons of problem for the last chapter before I turned to blogging. I miss writing. I don't even have enough time for sleeping during school days, what more for creative writing? All I ever write these days are technical reports and the very minimal reflection papers for my only GE subject for this semester, Kas 1. I'm hoping that I will do well in my Physics 101 exam; I need something to boost my confidence, which has definitely dropped ever since I met my fellow Physics classmates for the first time (most of whom are comprised of DOST scholars, science high school graduate, and a few Oblation scholars). It can be very distressing when you are surrounded by such brilliant minds, when you know that you are just a normal student.

Good thing I really love Physics, although several instances it makes we want to cry. But once you are able to solve a certain problem, the kind of joy and satisfaction it can provide you is so immense and amazing. That is the thing with science and math. It is probably one of the reasons that I still strive even if it seems implausible for me to solve that certain number. I have my rough times though, and admittedly, a few weeks before the Christmas break, I spent one Saturday moping and being depressed just because I could not solve one of the numbers in our problem set. I knew the answer (courtesy of the answer key at the back of the book), and yet I couldn't fathom how it arrived to that. No matter what I did, I just couldn't even get at least one step right. I really believed I was the stupidest Physics student then. I had no  any will left anymore. I was seriously considering shifting out of the program to pursue my frustration, either BA European Languages or BA Linguistics. Good thing some of my friends were there to talk to me, and little by little I was able to recover. I took Physics aside for a while and began studying for Chemistry.

The next day, I learned that theformula for the Atwood's machine actually exists, and the only thing left for me to do is a little derivation. I almost smacked my head for my idiocy. Upon acquiring the equations, I was able to arrive at the correct answer. Yes, I was the happiest kid that day--all my desire of quitting Physics evaporated, and I vowed to myself that I will push this through, no matter what, no matter how difficult it is.

Another inspiration for me is astronomy. I'm currently applying in UP AstroSoc. And to be honest, astronomy is one of the main reasons why I decided to major in physics (with quantum mechanics as the other, plus watching a bunch of physics and chemistry related documentary). Every time I feel like giving up, I just look up and gaze at the stars, with the vastness of the universe slowly consuming me. It's enough reason to go on.