Failure

Okay. Breathe. Calm down. It's not the end of the world.

But the sensation is so new to me that I can't help feeling depressed, as if there isn't any chance anymore for me to recover. A day has already passed, but still I can't move on and try to forget about it. Pray tell, what am I supposed to do to feel better?

Relax. Okay.

I failed an exam. Sure, I already failed one before, but it was only a GE subject; and somehow, a miracle happened and I managed to get a flat uno when the sem ended. But this time, it's a different story. Suffice it to say that this is probably the first time that this has ever happened to me.

I know I studied. I spent hours in the library skimming through the thick hardbound book until my back ached, until I had grown sleepy. However, I do know one thing as well - I kind of crammed for two days or so, which I hardly did anymore ever since I reached college. And heck, chemistry really isn't the type of subject that someone like me should cram. I have absolutely zero idea about chemistry when I entered UP Diliman as a physics major. Stupid, stupid me. Not that I'm putting the blame to someone else, but I know too that the org application as affected this sudden turn of events. 

The score in my first exam was average, and that is not making me confident at all. When the sem started, I was aiming for at least a dos, but now that goal seems too far-fetched. 

To make things worse, it's our second long examination in physics a while ago, and I had quite a lot of careless mistakes it's beginning to stress me out. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not really molded to be a scientist. What a waste of effort, time, and money.I really felt like dropping out of college yesterday. Exaggerated, I know. But if you never failed an exam you wouldn't know the feeling.

However, if there is one positive thing that emerged out of this problem, it's that I suddenly came to value my studies even more. The "me" at the beginning of the semester was returning, back then majority of the time I would study nightly for the lesson that day. Admittedly, that habit has wholly vanished when 2014 came - I'd go to Chem 16 class without having studied at all, despite the fact that we have a DG (quiz) that day. I never understood anything about the lessons until I started studying for the exam. I know it's my fault. For one thing, I really never listened to the lecture class and would end up napping or doodling or writing.

Lesson learned. 

A while ago, the change in me has come. For the first time ever, I reviewed the previous lecture, so I would come prepared to class tomorrow. In fact, I might as well study in advance.

P.S. Good thing the standing in Math 54 came out and it gave me a burst of hope. My standing is 1.00. And the most ironic thing is that, I rarely study for this subject. It's time to change that, though, before I regret in the end.

Worst day ever.

Yes, you read the title right. Last semester, I dubbed a particular day as the worst as well, but today is taking it on a wholly different level. In fact, I have a feeling this won't end up to this day only. Monday has been very mean to me as well. So would Wednesday through Friday be, I'm certain.

Okay. Although I'm aware no one really visits and read my blog, I won't share the details of what transpired this day, and more particularly, how I felt about them. It would be too dangerous, lest anyone I know suddenly stumbled upon my blog.

What's making everything even worse is that my heart problem or whatever that I had about five years ago is coming back, in the most untimely moment. All of a sudden I would find it very hard to catch my breath, my heart is palpitating...I'm basically breathless. It can be very terrifying sometimes, I'm telling you. And - I know this will sound so weird and overly dramatic - sometimes I'd have this feeling like I'm about to die or something. God. I'm so messed up.

While I was still at school, I wanted so bad to write and my imagination was overflowing and I had about a thousand ideas for short stories. I wanted to cry and try to find some space and breathe, breathe, breathe...to stay away from people and read a good book or drink a warm cup of coffee. Apparently my options were so limited. I had a practical exam in the org I was applying for so I just couldn't try to refrain from "socializing". I just wanted to avoid people then. Even worse, someone said a bad thing straight to my face because I was being "maarte" or something. I don't know. I hate everything. I want to give up. I wanted to cry but I had classes. I tried to text some of my friends and give a hint that I was feeling bad and needed someone to talk to, but I was merely made fun of. God. Really, no one can actually comfort you when you're in need, no one can really help so I might as well shut up and keep things to myself. That's something I learned from high school. I have to bear that in mind always.

Worst day ever?

I think not.

There's still tomorrow, apparently.

Experiment 11: Unknown Analysis

This day has been awesome. No, in fact, this whole week had been a blast. Despite all my awkwardness and everything, I can say that I enjoyed these past few days because, well, it was amazing. I would surely like to rattle off about how this week went, but due to time constraints, I'll just be sharing about one relevant thing that transpired today - the unknown analysis.

I have a Chem 16 class every Wednesdays and Fridays at 7 AM. Last night I went home by 10 PM from the tambayan. I tried to finalize the assignment for chemistry and to be more productive, but I was so tired my eyes wouldn't stay open. I had no choice but to sleep. I awoke by half-past one (which was an hour late from the time I set in the alarm), did the assignment, prepared for the experiment, and slept at 4 AM. I set the alarm to 5:30 AM, but I was stunned when I awoke (after turning off the snooze numerous times), that it was already 6:30 AM, for goodness's sake. It was the first time that I had woken up that late. Good thing, I was able to leave the dormitory by 5 minutes to 7 AM. Our professor was a bit late, so I was safe. However, I was beginning to be very frantic by then. Today is Unknown Analysis day, and although I had prepared by scanning the manual and so, I was still terrified. I want to love chemistry, it's super cool, so much so that I initially planned to major in materials physics. But heck, it can be very difficult, and to someone who went to college with zero knowledge in the subject, it was even worse. I know I suck in this subject; good thing I passed the first exam with satisfactory results.

Okay. The experiment was a joke. After performing the cation test, I was able to limit my choices between zinc and calcium, since precipitate formed upon addition of NaOH. Upon performing the confirmatory test, formation of precipitate occurred again so I was certain I got Zinc. For the anion test, there was no visible reaction upon the addition of barium nitrate, so sulfate, phosphate, and carbonate were ruled out. After performing another test, it all went down to SCN and nitrate. God, I didn't want to perform the brown ring experiment. My solution looked weird; I mean, I didn't really achieve the colors that SCN or nitrate was supposed to have. However, I thought the solution looked peach (which it was supposed to be if it had SCN) and the toluene layer was colorless so I assumed thiocyanate was present. I approached my professor and was about to have my first guess...

...And he told me I got both guesses wrong.

I had never felt so inadequate in my life. I tried the elimination tests again for cation, and was able to rule out Ammonium. In the end, after several trials, I went to our professor and convinced him that there was zinc in my solution.

"Sir, precipitate formed upon addition of ammonia, so it's zinc. Precipitate also formed upon adding NaOH."

He surveyed my test tube and said, "Add some excess ammonia and observe whether the precipitate will dissolve."

It did. It must mean that there really is some zinc present. Fast forward, it turned out that there was some confusion involved. He said that he never told me zinc wasn't there. I replied that he said both of my guesses were wrong, so of course zinc was. Our professor admitted the existence of zinc and I felt so cheated since I repeated everything just to be sure.

The next problem would be the anion. If it weren't SCN, it had to be nitrate. I knew this, and yet I repeated the elimination and confirmatory tests because I didn't want to perform the brown ring experiment (the 18 M sulfuric acid sounded so menacing). But I was left with no choice so I performed it using my solution which already had the toluene layer, as was advised by my classmate. I was so ecstatic that the brown ring appeared, but in the end the process was wrong and I should have used a fresh solution. Sadly, upon doing so, nothing appeared.

I lamented this to our professor and he told me to repeat the experiment. Obviously, there really was nitrate on my solution. I just had to show him some proof. I repeated everything, to no avail. He must have pitied me because he said that there was indeed nitrate, but I was still lacking one more ion. I knew what it was all of a sudden, and I realized how cunningly our professor had chosen the other ion.

"Calcium," I said. He smiled and confirmed it. I was supposed to receive 15 points, but I only got 12. I'm not complaining.