Dark and Wrong

This will be my first post for 2013. And yes, what with my very miserable life, this entry will be teeming with a bit of angst and annoyance. Perhaps even a bit of hatred for myself. Maybe I shouldn't be showcasing such self-degrading claims, but I somehow can't refrain myself for doing so. And who'd care, anyway? After all, no one is even reading this futile and nonsensical blog. It's literally a virtual diary. The only difference with my real diary is that this one needs an internet to be accessed. And anyone is free to know the story. To know what is happening to me. But no one does. But I suppose, that's a nice thing. At least I won't have to worry about what I'll post since no one would read them.

How very convenient.

Realizations. Feelings. Pain. I would admit that a few instances a shred of jealousy would hit me. Although one might say that being jealous of someone else is a very unpleasant thing, you can hardly condemn me for doing so. We are human beings, after all. Everyone is susceptible to feeling jealous. But when I do, before my emotions would start to overwhelm me and make me feel unwanted and uncared for, I'd hastily think of my position. I would immediately think of who I am, and what my place really is. Because when I remember that I am nothing special at all, then I could immediately vanquish such evil sentiments. I have no right to feel that way. Swiftly, I would hide those feelings deep inside and act as if they never existed. "Always bear in mind who you are," I will whisper to my mind.

Stupidity. Intelligence. Humiliation. I don't know why people think I'm smart. Just because I qualified for the country's premier university doesn't make me one. I'm stupid, and I know it, and many events are making me realize and making me see this painful truth. Of course I'm stupid. I don't know why, but I am. I just wish they'd stop making lofty expectations. And to those who try to laugh at me and humiliate me whenever I act stupidly, why thank you. Sarcasm intended.

I'm supposed to be sleeping right now. Or at least, I'm supposed to be trying to fall asleep. But I can't. At times like these, when something is bothering me, I won't let myself just ponder about it until my head pounds. I need to talk about it. And of course I would have no one to really talk to, as in have interpersonal communication with, so my only solace left is to write. To write, to write, to write. To write freely because I need to release my emotions even though no one is going to care. Because I will only have the slightest peace of mind after doing this. Or else, I might be insane.